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How to Make a Calm Down Box (A.K.A. Rescue Kit for Meltdowns)

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What is a calm down box? Great question! I've been on this kick where I'm writing a lot about Sapphire, our daughter who was diagnosed at age 9 with ADD and ODD. Diagnosed at age 13 with DMDD and Autism.

My goal is to help other parents of special needs children to realize that it'll never be sunshine and rainbows day in and day out, but if we work on our parenting approach and have tools like calm down kits on hand, life will be much, much less stressful.

what is a calm down box

What is a “Calm Down Box”?

A Calm Down Box, also known as a Calm Down Kit or Rescue Box, is a box full of goodies and tools that a child can use when they're feeling emotions they don't understand – usually frustration and/or anger – to help calm them down. The goal is to teach them to self-regulate when they're feeling these big emotions they don't yet know how to handle. You can think of it as an anti anxiety box if anxiety is something your child struggles with.

RELATED: Here's why we love the Nurtured Heart Approach for our ODD kiddos.

Benefits of a Calm Down Box for ODD Kids

If you've followed our journey with the Nurtured Heart Approach for “difficult” children, you'll know we have had amazing results with it. I've learned a lot about my parenting, how it's fallen short of where it should be, and how to better create a calm household environment so my ODD child can thrive. It's taken a lot of self-reflection (nobody wants to admit they are a less than stellar parent), and observing.

A calm down kit for kids can also be used as a “busy box” when you're out and about. Easily create a travel version you can stick in your purse for times you're at a restaurant or doctor's appointment and your child is being a wiggly worm. It doesn't matter what their age is, as I've used calm down boxes for toddlers all the way up to teenagers.

The goal of having a calm child isn't merely for selfish reasons (though it IS much easier to manage a calm child!), it's also for their benefit. Chaos is all around us, and our children. The least we can do is create a peaceful environment for them at home, with tools like a calm down kit readily available to help them regulate their emotions.

Anxiety in Kids

Anxiety and ODD often go hand in hand, unfortunately. In fact, sometimes anxiety can manifest itself as ODD symptoms. Anxious kids may be easily agitated (and labeled as ODD), restless, rarely able to sit still (and labeled as ADHD), tantrums – even past toddlerhood, and more. A calm down box is an important tool in teaching anxious kiddos to self-regulate. In fact, a calm down kit can greatly benefit anyone with anxiety – yes, even you, mom!

When to Use a Calm Down Box

You can use the calm down box at any time! The goal is to use the calm down box BEFORE your child needs it. Giving an ODD child a calm down box after they're already upset is like giving a tornado warning after it's already tearing down trees. Nothing in the world is going to calm your ODD kiddo down when the eye of the storm already has its sights set on your head.

Another amazing tool we use: a calm down area.

What to Put in a Calm Down Box

I love the fact that you can literally put whatever the heck you want in your child's calm down box. If you're clueless as to what will calm your child down, ask them (if they're old enough), or try one or two things from each section below and surprise them with a calm down kit that's already put together!

calming techniques for anxious kids

Basic Calm Down Box Supplies

If you're looking for a simple breakdown of what I put in my calm down boxes, here's a short list. Scroll down to see more specific ideas and why you should include each tool in your kit.

Relaxing Techniques:
Things to Tear:
  • scrap paper
  • tissue paper
  • paper bags
Ooey Gooey Things:
Stress Relievers:
Brain Breaks:
Block it All Out:

Sensory Calming Toys and Tools

Sensory calming toys have many benefits. Sensory play isn't just for babies and toddlers; my teenagers benefit from it as well. Some of our favorite sensory toys include:

Calming Music for Kids

I don't allow Sapphire on YouTube at this time (or any time in the foreseeable future), but I do pull up some of these calming playlists for her to play on Alexa.

Music has been proven to reduce stress, improve concentration, improve brain function, lower blood pressure, and more.

Calming Music for kids: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5

Anxiety Relief Games and Activities

Many children are more receptive to letting go of their anger and frustration when games are involved. I do what I can to help reduce anxiety in the least complicated way possible. For us, that means games!

parenting children with odd

Calm Down Box for Toddlers VS Calm Down Box for Older Kids

Obviously your Calm Down Box is going to look a little different depending on the age, level, and likes/dislikes of your child. My daughter is 13 and some of the tools she loves to use are also favorites amongst 8 year olds. There is no age limit and there are no calm down box rules, either. Feel free to add a few things that will help you with grounding as well.

Why We Use a Calm Down Kit

Creating a calm down kit is inexpensive: you can literally make or print all of the items (putty/slime/play-doh, coloring pages, calming cards) for free. We feel this is an important tool in teaching kids to self-regulate, but is also a helpful tool to give parents a break.

Especially with ADD and ODD kids, we all need a break sometimes. Handing your child their calm down box (or an item from it) before the worst part of the storm hits is going to save everyone a lot of heartache and stress.

A Parent’s Guide to The Nurtured Heart Approach

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My daughter, Sapphire, was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder at age 9. She is what most would call a “difficult child”, but it's not all the time. In fact, when she's good, she's GREAT! But when she gets off track, it's like a dumpster fire that nobody can put out. That's how it used to be, at least. Learning and implementing the Nurtured Heart Approach™ changed my parenting, and our lives. I have faith it will do the same for you.

What is the Nurtured Heart Approach?

“The Nurtured Heart Approach™ is a set of core methodologies originally developed for working with the most difficult children. It has become a powerful way of bringing inner wealth to all children while facilitating parenting and classroom success. It has a proven, transformative impact on every child, including those with behavioral diagnosis such as ADHD, Autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder – almost always without the need for medications or long-term treatment.” Source

I love the Nurtured Heart Approach™ because it takes me back to my days of teaching Head Start. We always used positive reinforcement, weren't allowed to use the word “no”, and had rules in place with zero lecturing. In case you're wondering, instead of saying “no running” we would say “walking feet, please”. This puts an image of walking in the child's head, whereas saying “no running” puts an image of running in their head. At least, that's what they taught me… and it seemed to work well!

free guide for the nurtured heart approach

Three Stands of The Nurtured Heart Approach

The NH approach is similar to Love and Logic in many ways. With L&L, you also keep consequences predictably boring. Approaching discipline this way has greatly improved my parenting. It's not always easy… in fact, sometimes I just want to SCREAM… but I know handling things this way has improved my daughter's behavior as well, so I have to put the work in if I want to continue to see good behavior in her.

  1. I refuse to be drawn into accidentally energizing and rewarding negativity. Make the response to negativity boring and predictable. Do not give it energy, loads of time, or animation.
  2. I will energize and nurture success! I will energize positivity! You may need to lower the bar a bit on this one, to catch the smaller “wins” – especially at first.
  3. Clearly, but un-energetically, enforce limits. Make sure rules are clear. “Here are the rules, and here is what happens when you choose to break the rules.” Do not warn, bargain, or lecture. Follow through with consequences.

NOTE: This is NOT ABOUT IGNORING! It is about giving a basic, boring, predictable response to consequences. You're giving your child an unenergized version of yourself at this time, but you are not ignoring their behavior – this can create more issues.

CORE METHODOLOGIES: THE THREE STANDS

  • Neutralize Negative Behavior (“Don’t energize the bunny- take the batteries out”)
  • Energize Positive Behavior in Meaningful Ways (“Create the relationship that honors you and your child and allow for time-in)
  • Demonstrate Fair and Consistent Boundaries (“Create limits for transformation”)
  • (Source)

Some of the many BENEFITS OF NURTURED HEART APPROACH

  1. Understand the uniqueness of the challenging child in the here & now
  2. Teaching a child to “Shift” or “flip” his/her intensity in successful ways
  3. Create a deeper sense relationship by allowing by building success & inner wealth for the child
  4. Identifying behavior that is working by feeding the soul with greatness this is not complimenting and feeding empty words
  5. Teaching a child to be Fearless in standing in their own Greatness
  6. (Source)

The Compass 4 Life – Dan Peterson

Dan Peterson is the founder of The Compass 4 Life. He is an advanced trainer for the Nurtured Heart Approach™. What Dan says really hits home. Kids need to be nurtured. Their desire to be nurtured is so strong, that they will misbehave just to get our attention. I see this a lot in my daughter.

“The core of why kids behave the way they do, is they just want to be engaged with and connected to the adults. And if those problems connect them with adults, it doesn't matter what consequence or reward, what matters is are you going to pay attention to me or not? And if you do when I have problems, there's no way that I'm going to stop doing that because my need to belong and be seen by you is much more important than anything you can take away from me or give to me if I keep doing the right thing.”

Public School and “Nurturing”

How can you nurture a child when they're one of 30, 40? This is tough for teachers in public schools especially, because they have to address negative behavior in order to stop it. When you have 30+ kids in a classroom, the only ones getting attention are the ones who are misbehaving. The other kids see this, and some follow suit with the bad behavior, creating chaos.

Teacher then loses control of her classroom, and starts yelling or has to call the principal in. Threats of detention and getting kicked out of school fly through the air, and kids like mine jump at the chance to be “the one” that gets THE MOST ATTENTION EVER by being a smart ass to the principal right in front of everyone of course. What a captive audience! Dragged out of class (figuratively, of course) and walked to the principal's office – by the principal himself! It's like my child is now a celebrity, getting looks in the hall from disapproving staff.

She then has to sit in the office while the principal calls Mom. Oh, wow! A call home to mom, all because I was rude to an adult. This is amazing. Mom is going to be mad, but she will ground me which means she has to stay home with me all night. More one on one time. Hmmm… Can't wait to spend time with Mom!

I'm not sure if that's exactly how my child's brain processes those events when they happen, but with how often they were happening, it seemed about right. We decided to homeschool her because she was getting ISS, kicked out of school, etc. She was enjoying the negativity far too much, so we removed the opportunity for her to get that negative attention. Now she's at home with us and we do not engage when she makes poor choices.

The Nurtured Heart Approach Principles

I know it's difficult to find time to watch videos – heck, I don't even watch Netflix anymore! However, these are videos that changed my life. They're worth watching. Bookmark this page and come back so you can watch a few at a time.

Principle 1: Accidentally Energizing Negativity

Principle 2: Radical Appreciation

Principle 3: Choose to See Greatness

Principle 4: Create Greatness

Principle 5: Act Out Greatness

Principle 6: Flip the Switch

Principle 7: See the Greatness

Principle 8: It Isn't Just Happening

Principle 9: Reset

Principle 10: The Gift of You

My Takeaway: Catch them Being Good

For me, the main takeaway from The Nurtured Heart Approach is: go out of your way to catch your child being good. My daughter reacts amazingly well to praise, but when she's been having constant meltdowns and making poor choices at school to the point where she's getting ISS and kicked out, it's realllllly really tough to catch her being good. But the truth is, she's well-behaved at home 90% of the time because she gets what she needs at home. Being one of hundreds of kids all day doesn't work well for ODD kids especially. Knowing what she needs and being able to give it to her is crucial.

When she makes poor choices at home, I remind myself “Don't water the weeds!”. If you want flowers to grow, you water the flowers, right? Same goes for behavior. If you want good behavior to continue, praise (water) the good behavior, no matter how small. Do not give attention to (water) negative behaviors.

Even if you have to lower the bar (which I HATE doing, by the way), you've gotta find a way to catch your child displaying positive behaviors. I know this may be difficult, especially if your child has ODD or other issues that make them even more defiant than a typical child… but hear me out.

Think about what your child does every moment of every day. It may seem like they misbehave a lot, but the truth of the matter is, they aren't ALWAYS misbehaving.

What does your child like doing? Set them up for success. I know Sapphire loves the dogs so much. So when I see her cuddling with them, I will point out how sweet she is being. “I see you cuddling with the dogs, I know they really like when you spend time with them. That shows you are caring.” It may seem silly, but that statement gives her a small “win” and she notices that I'm happy with her. This encourages her – in a small way – to continue her good behavior.

“Sapphire, I noticed that your homework was extra difficult tonight, but you finished it! That shows that you are intelligent and perseverant.”

“I’m impressed that you ___________ instead of ________. That really takes ____________ to make that kind of decision!”

This doesn't mean we walk on eggshells or avoid chores she dislikes, we just put more energy into the positive and expect greatness when tough situations arise. I'm very thankful that Sapphire likes to do chores – she LOVES to help, which makes things easier for me.

It may be like pulling teeth to get your child to do chores (I have two kids like that). Focus on the positive as much as possible, give boring, predictable responses to the negative, and don't argue, bargain, or lecture.

CHALLENGE: Catch your child being good today. Go above and beyond to tell them how thankful you are for their behavior. Be specific. Use a statement like “I see you _________, and that shows you are __________.”

Additional Resources

Download my “Nurture Them” Guide

I wrote a 15 page guide/workbook to help you learn the NHA along with me.

If for some reason you have no desire to join my email list, no worries! Here is the guide – free, no strings attached! However, I hope you DO join my email list because that's where I share tips and guides FIRST. My goal is to always deliver value at no cost to you. <3

guide to using the nurtured heart approach

A Letter to the Parent of an ODD Child (Plus Everything You Wanted to Know About ODD)

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Dear Mom (or Dad),

Take a breath. Or two. Deep ones.

Okay, one more. In and out. Slowly.

I know it's extremely tough to deal with your ODD child, day in and day out.

Sometimes an hour feels more like a week.

Sometimes you look at your child and wonder how you're both going to survive until they're 18.

Sometimes you look at the door and wonder how far you could get before anyone would notice you're gone.

Would it be worth it, running away and getting a few hours of sanity? Maybe.

Some days are great, and they almost make the bad days manageable. Almost.

The really bad days, though, nothing can make those better. The really bad days come straight from Hell.

The really bad days don't care if you're sick, if you have cancer, if you literally can't handle one. more. verbal assault from your child.

Your child, the one you carried for 9 months and have loved unconditionally, who will stare you dead in the face and say “I hate you”. And trust me, they mean it in that moment.

You'll think, “right back at ya”, and then you'll feel guilty… because who hates their child, even for a second? Even when they're throwing chairs? Even when they're hurling awful insults… who hates their child?

They don't discriminate; bad days are going to show up regardless of what you have going on in your life.

All you can do is breathe, and know you're not alone.

There are others out there going through exactly what you're going through.

I'm right here, struggling alongside you. Trying to breathe, trying to hold my head above water.

You've got this, even when it feels like you don't.

Love,

A Momma with an ODD Child

parenting a child with odd

What is ODD and What Causes It?

When I asked what caused ODD, because two of my children have it, my brother has it, and I most likely do too, the psychiatrist said it's mostly genetics. At the same time, environment can be a huge factor in ODD. Lack of supervision, inconsistent discipline, or abuse or neglect can contribute to a child displaying ODD symptoms.

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is a childhood disorder that is defined by a pattern of hostile, disobedient, and defiant behaviors directed at adults or other authority figures. ODD is also characterized by children displaying angry and irritable moods, as well as argumentative and vindictive behaviors. While all children will display some type of defiant behavior throughout their growing years, children suffering from ODD will display such behaviors much more commonly than that of any other type of behaviors. For these kids, it can seem like nothing can be done to make them happy. These children will not only do things to purposely cause conflict or to purposely annoy the people around them, but they will oftentimes place the blame on others. (Source)

ODD is one of the most common behavioral disorders in children, so don't feel like you're alone when you're struggling to figure out how to handle your ODD child. You are not alone! ODD is more prevalent in pre-pubescent boys than girls, but after puberty hits, all bets are off and the number become close to equal in both genders. To make things more complicated, girls and boys display ODD symptoms differently. The good news is, though, that most counselors and psychiatrists agree on this statistic: nearly 70% of children previously struggling with ODD outgrow the symptoms by age 18 with proper treatment.

Many people will see your ODD child and think their behavior is a result of poor parenting. In some cases, this can be true, but in most cases, it's not.

Signs of ODD

Symptoms of ODD include “typical” teen behaviors that may be infrequent in typical teens but daily or almost daily in your ODD child. Sometimes it's difficult to recognize the difference between your child being strong-willed, or having oppositional defiant disorder. In fact, it's normal to exhibit defiant behaviors at times.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lists criteria for diagnosing ODD. The DSM-5 criteria include emotional and behavioral symptoms that last at least six months.

Sometimes behaviors display only at home, or only at school. Sometimes they will show up at home sooner than they do at school, or the opposite may be true. There are so many variables, it can be frustrating! Two of my children have ODD and their symptoms showed up in school far before they showed up at home. Having children at home that have near perfect behavior and then getting notes about them acting completely differently at school was a struggle for me!

If you have a child with ODD, you may have a child that is angry and irritable often, easily loses their temper, is frequently touchy, always seemed annoyed, and/or is often angry. They may be argumentative and defiant to everyone, or just certain people (usually people in authority). Your ODD child may flat out refuse to comply with requests, and blame others for their misbehavior.

Triggers of ODD

Knowing your ODD child's triggers is crucial to survival for both of you! Each child has different triggers, but if you take note of what they eat and drink, or what's going on before they have one of their meltdowns, it can help a ton. You may not be able to get an answer if you ask your child how they are feeling in the moment during a meltdown, so it's crucial to track what happened before the meltdown to get to the bottom of it.

Ways to Track ODD Triggers

  • If you are a bullet journaler, you can make a page in your bullet journal to track your child's triggers.
  • Create a chart for your child that has different faces and emotions on it. Have them circle the faces and/or emotions they're feeling in the morning, after lunch, and before bedtime. Helping your child stay aware of their feelings can help prevent meltdowns.
  • Download my free PDF for tracking ODD triggers.

Sapphire's triggers include:

  • sugary foods
  • dyes (red and yellow)
  • feeling tired (she knows being tired turns into a headache, this annoys and frustrates her)
  • headaches (they turn to migraines if she doesn't get sleep and she is VERY angry during this time)
  • being told “no” directly (we rephrase sentences to make them as positive as possible)
  • feeling like she is not being listened to (if I need a break I tell her I will listen later)

Your ODD child may have far different triggers. Track what they eat, how much they sleep, and what's going on each day so you can tell what helps them do better and what sets them off.

Rewording things and having a smile on my face really helps with Sapphire. If I use a “nice” voice, she is more likely to listen to me. Don't walk on eggshells; that's no way to live your life, but changing the inflection in your voice or the way you say things can help you both.

How to Use My ODD Tracker

odd tracker download

Click here to download my printable ODD tracker. This tracker is simple. It has four sections:

  • Food and drink: what has your child consumed today? Everything they eat and drink should be tracked until you find their triggers.
  • Events: what has happened today? Was it a long day with several errands? Was family in town visiting, possibly overstimulating your ODD child?
  • Parent's feelings: have you been stressed about something unrelated to your child? Can they tell? Are you anxious about something? Did you have a rough day at work? Feeling sick, needing a break? Identifying your feelings can help just as much as identifying theirs.
  • Child's feelings: The feelings listed here are negative feelings, so I don't give Sapphire this paper – I fill it out for ME. I am working on more printables with all feelings/emotions so the kiddos can choose which ones they are feeling (even on good days).
  • Use a notebook or bullet journal to track all of your child's food and drink. Use the printable tracker for meltdown days.

Treatments for ODD

The best (just kidding…) worst part about ODD? There's no one-size-fits-all treatment. You can't just have your child take a pill and expect them to magically stop being ODD. It doesn't work that way. Most of dealing with ODD has to do with behavioral therapy. My daughter, Sapphire, has a counselor, a behavior coach, and a case manager that helps us navigate through everything.

There's no guaranteed way to prevent ODD. However, positive parenting and early treatment can help improve behavior and prevent the situation from getting worse. Behavior therapy and counseling can help restore your child's self-esteem and rebuild a positive relationship between you and your child.

Behavior management is hard to do and it doesn’t always work, but getting everyone on the same page is important. This means all parents and step-parents, grandparents, teachers (have a 504 or IEP meeting if necessary), principals, anyone who interacts with your child on a regular basis MUST be aware of the behavior therapy and on board with it.

If you haven't taken a Love and Logic class, it's time. These classes are offered for free and are SO HELPFUL. The class didn't even really teach me about my child so much as about myself. I learned how to handle situations in a calm way so I could prevent the absolute meltdowns (as much as possible). Does it work ALL of the time? No. Because sometimes I just don't have it in me to be nice, and sometimes she just doesn't have it in her to behave. It is what it is, but minimizing bad days is the goal.

What Helps My ODD Child

  • minimize sugar intake (this includes breads, etc)
  • avoid confrontations: DO NOT ENGAGE … this one is so tough for me
  • avoid physical punishment (spanking ODD children does NOT help)
  • no red or yellow dye (it's a thing, trust me)
  • plenty of physical activity (we go to the gym daily)
  • spending time with other trusted adults (she spends time with her behavior coach, as my family is not trustworthy)
  • offer options – do not back them into a corner or try and “force” them to do something: “Would you rather put your shoes on first or your coat? Your choice! Hurry!” (make it a game if they're in a decent mood)
  • the right vitamins (Sapphire takes selenium, methylfolate, and vitamins B and vitamin D; also, magnesium at bedtime – check with your naturopath or chiropractor before starting a regimen)
  • calming music, scents, and environment (we keep her bedroom VERY minimalistic – when it's filled with toys or anything else she seems to get anxious)

Books to Read About Oppositional Defiant Disorder

The more you learn, the better you will understand your child and how to react to them. Find these books at your library, on Kindle, or as paperback… whatever you prefer. Oftentimes, ODD will present alongside other behavior or mental disorders. Because of this, I'm recommending books I've found helpful even though some are about BPD, ADHD, etc.

If your library does not have these books and they are not in the budget for you, ask them to order some of them. I recommend I Hate You; Don't Leave Me and The Explosive Child. Also, budgeting for one of the workbooks will be worth it!

Before you leave…

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